Emotional Vomit

I have been putting off doing a post about my recovery, because it hasn't been all great! I don't want to sit and focus on the negative...but I also have to remember that life isn't always sunshine and lollypops! Sometimes things happen that just plain old suck, but it's all in our attitude. My attitude hasn't been great, but I guess...not bad either. I feel like the last couple of days has been a big blur of pain, drugs, pain, drugs, pain pain pain!!!

So I had a few good nurses and a few crappy nurses that made me want to cry because of the way they acted. They wanted me to get up and move...so one nurse (I mentioned earlier) walked with me, held my hand, listened to me cry! Then on the other hand, I pushed the call button (I think on Wednesday evening) and a nurse came in and said...
Nurse: What do you need? (very snippy)
Me: I was wondering if I could get some help walking around.
Nurse: Oh...well, you don't need help doing that you know? You can get up any time you want!
Me: Well...not really! I can't really crawl under the bed and un-hook the IV machine on my own. And it is really hard to get out of bed without some assistance. But you're right, I can WALK on my own.
Nurse: Here, I'll get it all hooked up so you can do it on your own.
Me: Thanks...(really I was thinking...I feel sad, and alone...and now you're telling me that I have to go walk around the maternity floor-barefoot, in my hospital gown...hooked to all sorts of machines, with my catheter hanging from me...and I have to do this all alone?? Ok...you know what? I'll just go to the window and back.)

Ugh...So when John came back from work (and helping take care of kids) him and I went on the walk together. I was slow, but it did feel good to walk! My legs were happy, everything else was not! Then as we turned the corner, we both sort of forgot where we were, and saw lots of windows! We peeked in (again, not really thinking) and saw what I really didn't want to see at that moment. Lots of tiny, beautiful, pink and perfect newborns! I quickly turned away and started to cry. Then back in our room, John held me while I sobbed for a while! Then I went back to bed and slept.

It's amazing how in a short 2 days at the hospital, it can feel like I was there more than a week! I have been poked, prodded, given this medication and that medication. Asked by countless nurses if I've passed gas yet (Hello???) And had any and every nurse come check out the color of my urine! I felt little. I felt so blue! I just wanted to run away and hide from the emotional and physical pain I was experiencing. But once again, a shiny reminder of the Atonement came peaking through all the dark clouds! And I found myself asking..."Did Christ really go through all of this pain...for me??" And of course the answer is always yes! He did. If he did it for me, than I can get through this!

I know there are worse things that could happen to me, but this trial is harder than most that I have experienced in my life. I know in time it will get better. I will get to take my catheter out on Monday morning...that will really make me feel more normal. Chloe calls it my "pee-bag!" Gwen can't stop asking me exactly how it is attached to my pee pee...and how it actually got there? "Mommy...who put it there?" She is blown away by the whole thing!

Anyway, kids are away in Salt Lake this weekend...so I have time to heal. While John has time to prep our garden. Right now I am eating Ritz crackers and trying not to throw up! I get nauseous really easy, not sure why! Eating makes my stomach mad apparently. Anyway, I have felt the love and prayers coming from all directions. Thank you everyone. And if you're still reading....thanks for reading all my emotional vomit! It helps for me to write these things out.

And I really need to give a big thanks to my hubby! He has been there when I've cried (which has been a lot)...he was there to assist me in my first shower at the hospital that resulted in a complete and total meltdown. (you try showering with a catheter and IV hooked to you) But he was there. He even made me laugh while trying to put an elephant pad on those crazy mesh undies they give you. He put it on backwards and it made me laugh. His only response was, "This is my first time putting on a maxi pad...okay??" He was there to help me get comfy in bed. He was there to get me more ice. He was there to chew out the nurse (that's another story)...he was there to walk with me. Rub my neck when I had a headache. Etc. etc. etc. I don't know what I'd do without him. Love you John!