About Adam

These are a few posts I took off our family blog (which is private) and I copied and pasted it to put it on this one. These are my personal thoughts during the time that Adam passed away. This was during the time we lived in Oregon when John was in school. It's good to read in a way, because I do remember the Spirit I felt. And the conformation we received that it was his time to go. Feel free to read if you wish!

Needing Prayers

So some of you know that my older brother Adam has a brain tumor. It's not lethal...it's benign. It just is sitting on top of the left part of his brain, and it causes him to have minor seizures throughout his every day life. He's able to take medication for it so the seizures won't be so bad, but he still gets them. Anyway, for the past few days he's had a bad migraine...and it just got worse and worse. He was in so much pain, and he was throwing up a lot! So finally my parents took him to the emergency room and a lot happened when he was there. He had (close to) a Grand Mal Seizure. And he was still in so much pain.

So finally they gave him a dose of morphine, and it didn't do anything. And a while later he was still in pain...so they gave him another dose of morphine. He was still in pain! But then not too long after that he eventually just passed out and they figured the morphine had finally kicked in. The problem was...it all kicked in at once apparently. So last night they couldn't get him to wake up. His heart was stable, but his blood pressure kept going up high...then down low. And he wasn't breathing great because of all the fluid in his lungs. So they sent him up to the ICU, and they've got him on a breathing tube...but apparently as of this morning they still haven't been able to wake him up. They call it a "morphine coma."

So now he's stable, but in a morphine coma! It's hard not to be there for him right now...or be there for my family! But all we can do here is just pray that he'll be okay! So any prayers from anyone right now would be appreciated! Thanks everyone!


Updates

There's not too much to report on Adam! At least not good news. He's pretty much the same, but now there's swelling in the left/back part of his brain. Which is close to where the tumor is. So he is still unconcious, his blood pressure is still going up and down constantly, and he still has the breathing tube.

They said he's now in a "spindle coma," which I don't really know much about. I looked it up, but the internet wasn't much help today. I think it's just a normal coma that isn't brought on by major trauma! But other than that, I just don't know! My family isn't holding it together very well, so I'm wishing I was there. If it gets worse, there's a chance I might just fly down there by myself. Not really sure at this point. But they are going to do another MRI today and get more information on the swelling in the brain. The tough part is that he could be in this coma for a week, two weeks, or more...who knows! But they said there's a good chance he could have brain damage if he does wake up. Ugh! Not sure what to feel at this point...I put his name on the temple prayer roll! But I just feel helpless...but so does the rest of my family, and they are there with him.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now! Keep sending prayers his way!

October 28, 2008
Adam
A lot has happened in a matter of the two days that I've been in Utah. Two days has felt like 2 weeks. It's hard to express exactly how I'm feeling, but I'll try. Since I gave the last update, things progressively got worse for my brother Adam. They performed emergency brain surgery because he had a lot of swelling. I'm not sure if I mentioned that he had two strokes while in the hospial as well. It was pretty much one problem after the other.

When I first arrived to the hospital and walked in the room, I never expected it to be that hard to see my brother hooked up to so many different tubes and machines. He was completely dependant on life support. And within the two days I was here he got a fever, blood clots...you name it, he got it. With all these emotions, there was also a very sweet spirit in the room. I guess before Adam fell into a coma, my brother Aaron was whispering in his ear, "Be strong, you've gotta keep fighting..." And Adam just said, "I can't anymore Aaron...I just can't." Adam has dealt with the issues of this tumor for about 9 years now. Every year they took a scan, and the results came out positive. (meaning the tumor wasn't growing) And for whatever reason...this past year it has grown to cover a 1/4 of his brain. He just couldn't fight it anymore.

So after a lot of prayers, fasts, etc. we knew what Adam wanted. Yesterday was the hardest, but most incredible day. After a very very long day, we all stood together around his bedside...while my dad, the stake president and my brother gave Adam a blessing. In the blessing it said, "You've served your mission here on this earth, and now it's time for you to serve your next mission." The spirit was so strong, I can't even describe. We all knew it was his time to go. So today, after another long morning...we sat there while they performed all the necessary tests to make sure there was no more brain activity. And after all the tests, they took him off life support. And at 11:07 today, my brother passed away. And we knew that his spirit was there in the room with us.

Again, it's hard to express everything that went on these last few days. All I can say is that Adam is where he needs to be. He will be so missed. And if I can take anything away from the last 48 hours, it's that I know the Gospel is true! I know that Heavenly Father loves all of us so much! Thank you all for your concern and prayers...I know I felt the blessings and the love!

We will be having a funeral for Adam on Saturday. John will be flying down on Friday, while Kerry and Kuhn (John's parents) watch the girls until Sunday when we come back home. I miss my girls...but I'm glad I'm here.


Back home again
Well after one of the longest weeks of my entire life, I have returned back home! It all seems like a bad dream or something. But we had the viewing for my brother on Friday night, and that was exhausting. And then on Saturday we had his funeral. The funeral was wonderful! I spoke first, and then a family friend spoke after a musical number. In his talk he mentioned how we don't have to be perfect in order to get back to heaven. And he talked a lot about the Atonement, and pretty much how much our Heavenly Father and Jesus loves us! It made everyone go away feeling so good. Which is rare coming from a funeral. But we did feel better...it brought a lot of closure.

So then we went to the cemetery, and they had the color guard there! It was one of the most touching things I've ever seen. There were three of them. One played the trumpet while the other two folded the flag that was on Adams casket. Everything was perfectly choreographed while they folded it. And then one of them came over to my mom and knelt down at her feet. Then he said, "This flag is presented on behalf of a grateful nation and the United States Army as a token of appreciation for your loved one's honorable and faithful service. God bless you and this family, and God bless the United States of America. It is an honor to present this flag to you." then he stood up and saluted my mom! It was so cool.

Anyway, then after we all went to a luncheon put on by the Relief Society. When we got home, we were all so tired. It was about 6:00 in the evening and we were all ready for bed. Then we realized we had to set the clocks back...so that put the evening off even longer. But Sunday morning we spent time with family, and then John and I flew back to Oregon. Kerry (John's mom) picked us up and she had the girls with her. Once I saw the car, I started losing it! And then when we opened the doors and saw how happy the girls were to see us, I just started bawling. Gwen asked, "Mommy, why are you so sad?" And I had to tell her I wasn't sad, I was sooooo happy to see them! I love my family!!!

Anyway, so now we're getting back into the groove of things. It'll take a while for us to get over what has happened this last week, but at least we know that one day we'll see Adam again! Thanks again for all of your prayers and your concern! We're so blessed to have such good friends as all of you!

Life is good

So a little history...since about 10th grade I've had all sorts of stomach issues. Acid reflux being the biggest one. But I've had heartburn, indigestion, slow digestion, etc. Anyway, I also had my gallbladder removed in 2000...and after Gwen was born I was diagnosed with GERD. (Gastroesophageal reflux disease) Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) is a condition in which the stomach contents (food or liquid) leak backwards from the stomach into the esophagus (the tube from the mouth to the stomach). This action can irritate the esophagus, causing heartburn and other symptoms.

Anyway, so at one point I decided I didn't want to take ANY medication for it anymore. I wanted to see if I could take care of the problem on my own. Not to mention that some of the meds would slow my digestion and cause other problems. BOO! So for a couple years I have gone without meds. I put up with the acid reflux, the heartburn, and all that it entails. That of course affects my diet. I tend to eat more bland foods...and most of the time I am eating dinner around 4:30-5:00, since we go to bed around 9:00-9:30! Otherwise I am up all night with horrid reflux that results in pain the next day. I feel that pain in my esophagus. It almost feels like my esophagus has been torn to pieces all night, and then somehow I'm supposed to eat the next day with that pain! Ick...no bueno!

So because of this surgery I had...I have had to (obviously) be flat more often than not. And when someone has acid reflux issues, you know that you DO NOT lay down after eating. But that's what I've been doing. So along with my issues from the surgery, I also have dealt with my stomach issues...but so much worse. I've had swelling in my throat, so it's hard to swallow and also hard for food to go down! It's a daily thing. ANYWAY, so back to the present...last week (Wednesday) I was up at 4:00AM like usual, and I looked up info on my stomach issues. I came across info for esophageal cancer. When I looked at the symptoms, I was scared. (and scared is really a huge understatement) I had EVERY symptom. Not just one, or two! But all of them! So...long story short...lots of tears and worry over the possibility of me having cancer...I ended up getting an EGD (endoscopy) on Friday to see what the issues were. Turns out I am fine. I do have ulcers...go fig! But no cancer, no cell change in my esophagus. Relief!!!

Some might think that jumping to the conclusion of cancer is dramatic and borderline hypochondriac, but for me it is a serious thing. Both of my grandparents on my mother's side died from cancer. Two years ago my older brother died of a brain tumor, and my half sister is currently battling breast cancer. I do have a right to worry! But having this test done has brought me so much relief. And John was relieved too! It was a scare, and I now just have to take preventative measures (taking meds for the rest of my life) I guess! But if that's what it takes, then I'll do it.

But one thing is for sure...I have a Heavenly Father who loves me! I got so much comfort from my husband's priesthood blessing on Thursday night. I know that I am constantly being watched out for. And that Heavenly Father knows our pain and struggles. So even though I am still in some pain from my surgery, (emotionally and physically)...today, I am so grateful for life! How can I not be? I am grateful for my husband who is so supportive and truly loves me. And I am grateful that I have three healthy and beautiful children! I may have struggles like we all do, but I feel like the luckiest and most blessed woman in the world. Life is good!

**And in other news...evidently I made a fool out of myself after coming out of the anesthesia on Friday. I had conversations with lots of different people, and I remember nothing. *sigh* :)

2 weeks

It's been 2 weeks today since I had my surgery! Some moments I feel like I haven't made any improvement (pain wise)...but that's because we tend to forget the pain. So, yes...I have come far! Everything is less painful. I still have a good amount of pain when I sit down. So, I rarely sit without my little handy donut. Last night was my first outing-we ate at a restaurant and I still had to bring my donut to sit on. Ugh! But I am grateful for how far I've come.

I had to go to the doctor once again last Thursday...and I actually drove myself. It was a hard moment because I had just me and my music and the first lyrics I heard was from a Glee song. It said, "So I'll throw up my fists. Throw a punch in the air. And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair..." And just hearing those words just made me turn into a blubbering baby! I have everything in the world to be grateful for! I have an incredible husband with three perfect and beautiful kids! I have so so so much! But there's thing little sting that I know will go away with time. It was an answer to a prayer to find out I needed this surgery, but it still stings! It stung when I was sitting in the doc's office surrounded by pregnant women rubbing their cute little belly's! It stung when Gwen told me she wishes I could have another baby! It stings...and it might for a while. I just need to let myself heal inside and out!

The last few days have been more physically painful than emotional! Until yesterday when Noah was up from his nap and he was reaching his hands up for me to hold him. I felt so bad! All I want in the world right now is to pick him up and hold him. I have this irrational fear that by the time 4 weeks comes along, he won't want to be held by me anymore. 6 weeks without standing and holding my baby! It's killing me! So Kerry ended up getting him out and then him and I snuggled in bed for a while. That was what I needed. He still needs his momma! Whether I can hold him or not, he needs me!

I love my kids and I love my hubby! And I am so darn grateful for the mom's in my life that have come over to help me these last two weeks. Tonight Kerry goes home and I am on my own. I'm a little scared, but it'll be fine! I will be fine! Er...at least I just keep telling myself that! :)

My OB reminded me of how much he actually did to me! He said it's almost like I got hit by a MACK truck!
haha...he told me to give myself a break and stop feeling like I have to do more than I can...or should! So, I'm trying to do better at staying flat and resting! Thanks again to everyone who have helped, brought over treats, etc. I feel so blessed!

The Cath

The last two days have been a whirlwind of emotions and more pain! A different kind of pain! It seems like I am healing (thankfully) but everytime I reach some milestone, another problem arises. It has been very frustrating! So my newest "issue" is with my bladder. John was able to take out my catheter on Monday morning, which was awesome to have it out; however, new problems came into play.

So...everytime I went to the bathroom (#1) it would BURN! My bladder would burn! And it was like I was trying to push a gallon of water out of a teeny-tiny straw all at once. So, then on Monday night I woke up and needed to go...so I tried and failed! It WOULD NOT come out. It burned! Eventually it did, drip by drip! So off to the doctor I went on Tuesday. Again. They had to put in a catheter to empty me, and figure out what the problem was. They thought maybe a UTI, but they ruled that out. Turns out, it is a very swollen Urethra! Go fig! On Monday they gave me these options:
1. Put the catheter back in
2. Have me "self-cath" every time I have to go, so I can empty my bladder each time.
3. Wait and see if it goes away (I picked this option)

Yesterday, I was still hurting...so when I went back in I brought my hubby with me. They taught him how to cath me! Mostly because 1. He doesn't care, doesn't bother him. And 2. I will not "self-cath"...sorry, not gunna happen! They said if in the middle of the night I can't..go...then I'll end up in the ER. So thankfully last night (even though it took a while) it all came out...eventually! And John really had to learn how because if I didn't empty my bladder, I could've been causing myself even more issues. So thank you John for being willing!

It has been a rough recovery, I'll be honest. At times I feel like I take one step forward and five steps back. BUT...I keep trying to look at how far I've come and remember that I am healing. I've had a few other little issues that...believe it or not, I'm not going to talk about. I don't want to gross you out too much! But a swollen urethra won't make me blush! :) So now I'm just continuing to take it one day at a time. I have swelling, bruising, and pain in all sorts of places...but one day I know I'll look back and know that it was all worth it. I needed this surgery, it was a long time coming.

We've had meals brought in and people offering to come do laundry, take kids, clean, etc. I seriously appreciate it so much. Once John's mom leaves (a week from today) I might take some of you up on your offers. But I do appreciate it! :)

And I need to give a huge thank you to my mom. She has been here a week and two days and she has done everything! She has taken over while I've layed helplessly in bed! I hate not being able to do anything, but it's been nice to not have to worry either. And thank you to John's mom who will be coming and staying to help. I am soooo grateful for family!

Emotional Vomit

I have been putting off doing a post about my recovery, because it hasn't been all great! I don't want to sit and focus on the negative...but I also have to remember that life isn't always sunshine and lollypops! Sometimes things happen that just plain old suck, but it's all in our attitude. My attitude hasn't been great, but I guess...not bad either. I feel like the last couple of days has been a big blur of pain, drugs, pain, drugs, pain pain pain!!!

So I had a few good nurses and a few crappy nurses that made me want to cry because of the way they acted. They wanted me to get up and move...so one nurse (I mentioned earlier) walked with me, held my hand, listened to me cry! Then on the other hand, I pushed the call button (I think on Wednesday evening) and a nurse came in and said...
Nurse: What do you need? (very snippy)
Me: I was wondering if I could get some help walking around.
Nurse: Oh...well, you don't need help doing that you know? You can get up any time you want!
Me: Well...not really! I can't really crawl under the bed and un-hook the IV machine on my own. And it is really hard to get out of bed without some assistance. But you're right, I can WALK on my own.
Nurse: Here, I'll get it all hooked up so you can do it on your own.
Me: Thanks...(really I was thinking...I feel sad, and alone...and now you're telling me that I have to go walk around the maternity floor-barefoot, in my hospital gown...hooked to all sorts of machines, with my catheter hanging from me...and I have to do this all alone?? Ok...you know what? I'll just go to the window and back.)

Ugh...So when John came back from work (and helping take care of kids) him and I went on the walk together. I was slow, but it did feel good to walk! My legs were happy, everything else was not! Then as we turned the corner, we both sort of forgot where we were, and saw lots of windows! We peeked in (again, not really thinking) and saw what I really didn't want to see at that moment. Lots of tiny, beautiful, pink and perfect newborns! I quickly turned away and started to cry. Then back in our room, John held me while I sobbed for a while! Then I went back to bed and slept.

It's amazing how in a short 2 days at the hospital, it can feel like I was there more than a week! I have been poked, prodded, given this medication and that medication. Asked by countless nurses if I've passed gas yet (Hello???) And had any and every nurse come check out the color of my urine! I felt little. I felt so blue! I just wanted to run away and hide from the emotional and physical pain I was experiencing. But once again, a shiny reminder of the Atonement came peaking through all the dark clouds! And I found myself asking..."Did Christ really go through all of this pain...for me??" And of course the answer is always yes! He did. If he did it for me, than I can get through this!

I know there are worse things that could happen to me, but this trial is harder than most that I have experienced in my life. I know in time it will get better. I will get to take my catheter out on Monday morning...that will really make me feel more normal. Chloe calls it my "pee-bag!" Gwen can't stop asking me exactly how it is attached to my pee pee...and how it actually got there? "Mommy...who put it there?" She is blown away by the whole thing!

Anyway, kids are away in Salt Lake this weekend...so I have time to heal. While John has time to prep our garden. Right now I am eating Ritz crackers and trying not to throw up! I get nauseous really easy, not sure why! Eating makes my stomach mad apparently. Anyway, I have felt the love and prayers coming from all directions. Thank you everyone. And if you're still reading....thanks for reading all my emotional vomit! It helps for me to write these things out.

And I really need to give a big thanks to my hubby! He has been there when I've cried (which has been a lot)...he was there to assist me in my first shower at the hospital that resulted in a complete and total meltdown. (you try showering with a catheter and IV hooked to you) But he was there. He even made me laugh while trying to put an elephant pad on those crazy mesh undies they give you. He put it on backwards and it made me laugh. His only response was, "This is my first time putting on a maxi pad...okay??" He was there to help me get comfy in bed. He was there to get me more ice. He was there to chew out the nurse (that's another story)...he was there to walk with me. Rub my neck when I had a headache. Etc. etc. etc. I don't know what I'd do without him. Love you John!

Update

I'd like to thank my mom for letting me use her laptop...it makes a hospital stay not so horrible. I am trying to think clearly while on a mixture of Percocet and Morphine. We'll see how this goes.

The surgery went well. (and by the way...if you don't want to hear girly-gross details, stop reading) :) But they didn't have to do an abdominal hysterectomy, which is great! Yesterday is sort of a blur. We waited for a while after being checked in, and finally they started prepping me. And the surgery lasted 2 hours. Waking up was painful, but not horrible. They had me pretty drugged. And the rest of the day was mostly sleeping and...more sleeping.

My night nurse was wonderful. She was so sensitive and caring. She was with me when I started hurting worse than ever. The pain up inside of me, plus cramping...is just the worst! The doctor told me this pain is worse than childbirth, now I believe him. Early this morning the nurse Melinda wanted me to go on a walk. So she took me (very slowly) for a little walk outside my room. I was told, but had forgotten...that they put me in the maternity ward. (let's dig the knife a little deeper eh?) So on my walk I just cried and cried. I told her I hadn't planned this and didn't want this. I wanted a baby, not a surgery! She was so supportive. She held my hand and let me cry. When John left for work this morning, I lost it again. I felt depressed and scared to face the day without him. And I was hurting.

Coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose...used to be easy! Not today! So earlier I was in so much pain I couldn't even sit up. Turns out they put gauze up inside of me to control the bleeding. The gauze was causing so much pain and pressure. They kept telling me the doc would be in soon to remove it...they told me that at 9:00AM. He didn't come remove it until about 1:45PM! Needless to say it has been a rough morning. John arrived just in time to be there when it was removed. It seriously felt like he was pulling my guts out. It hurt so bad. Anyway, now that is it out I can actually sit without being in so much pain. Everything still hurts, but I can at least sit. I also have two external incisions that are way tender, but they will heal fast I'm sure!

So because I have a phone and a computer...I was able to shoot some pictures of my experience here. So here you go...

Every single time they give me more meds they have to scan this band. The red band is my "blood band." That band has everything they need to know about my blood...in case I need a transfusion (which I won't)
Pale face, swollen eyes and crazy hair! Not to mention a gown that is 50 sizes too big! I am a sight! That little floral pillow is my coughing pillow. Yes, you heard right. I have to press that pillow into my stomach while I cough/sneeze/etc. It relieves the pressure!
My compression cuffs! Left, right, left, right...they blow up and release. No blood clots allowed!
The IV that they put my heavenly morphine into. Seriously, thank goodness for modern medicine. I don't think I would've been a good pioneer.
My view. My must-have's. Computer, ice-chips (for my dry mouth), my contraption for breathing treatments...(I have a temperature, and they were worried about me getting pneumonia) So I have to use that and take really deep, long breaths 8-10 times per day. My water, my remote, chapstick, cell phone, the controls to call my nurse...and my Lorna Doons. All the essentials!
Once again...thanks to everyone who has called, sent me texts, visited or just said prayers. If I start feeling down on myself I have to remember that I am loved and I have people praying for me. It brings me so much peace. There is a lot of emotional pain that goes along with all of this, but once again...I know that we have the Atonement for this very reason. He heals us emotionally, physically, mentally and Spiritually. I know I will be just fine!

Surgery tomorrow

Well, this is it! Tomorrow is the day! I have a to-do list a mile long! I have been preparing my kids, house, etc for this day...but there are always last minute things to do. One of which is going to a doctor's appt. to get blood work done...not to mention getting the stuff to give myself a fun little enema tonight. Yippee! So hopefully I can get everything done. My mom is coming tonight, and Gwen couldn't be more excited for my surgery! Why you ask? Because I told her when I have my surgery, she will have more responsibility. She likes that! She wants to be "the mommy." In her prayers last night she said, "And please bless that on Tuesday I will be a big helper for Mommy!" haha! Yesterday we had a lesson on doing the laundry. She ran the washing machine, poored soap in, put clothes in...took dry clothes out, folded and put them away. She did dishes. She cleaned rooms. I only wish she was this gung-ho about cleaning any other time. Sweet girl!

So I have no idea when I will post again...especially since I will be morphined-up for a few days! I'm sure John will post at least on FB to update everyone on how I'm doing. Thanks everyone for your love and support! This is one of those trials in my life that is really hard, but it points me in the right direction and makes me remember how blessed I am for the things that I DO have! I love my family with all my heart!