Life is good

So a little history...since about 10th grade I've had all sorts of stomach issues. Acid reflux being the biggest one. But I've had heartburn, indigestion, slow digestion, etc. Anyway, I also had my gallbladder removed in 2000...and after Gwen was born I was diagnosed with GERD. (Gastroesophageal reflux disease) Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) is a condition in which the stomach contents (food or liquid) leak backwards from the stomach into the esophagus (the tube from the mouth to the stomach). This action can irritate the esophagus, causing heartburn and other symptoms.

Anyway, so at one point I decided I didn't want to take ANY medication for it anymore. I wanted to see if I could take care of the problem on my own. Not to mention that some of the meds would slow my digestion and cause other problems. BOO! So for a couple years I have gone without meds. I put up with the acid reflux, the heartburn, and all that it entails. That of course affects my diet. I tend to eat more bland foods...and most of the time I am eating dinner around 4:30-5:00, since we go to bed around 9:00-9:30! Otherwise I am up all night with horrid reflux that results in pain the next day. I feel that pain in my esophagus. It almost feels like my esophagus has been torn to pieces all night, and then somehow I'm supposed to eat the next day with that pain! Ick...no bueno!

So because of this surgery I had...I have had to (obviously) be flat more often than not. And when someone has acid reflux issues, you know that you DO NOT lay down after eating. But that's what I've been doing. So along with my issues from the surgery, I also have dealt with my stomach issues...but so much worse. I've had swelling in my throat, so it's hard to swallow and also hard for food to go down! It's a daily thing. ANYWAY, so back to the present...last week (Wednesday) I was up at 4:00AM like usual, and I looked up info on my stomach issues. I came across info for esophageal cancer. When I looked at the symptoms, I was scared. (and scared is really a huge understatement) I had EVERY symptom. Not just one, or two! But all of them! So...long story short...lots of tears and worry over the possibility of me having cancer...I ended up getting an EGD (endoscopy) on Friday to see what the issues were. Turns out I am fine. I do have ulcers...go fig! But no cancer, no cell change in my esophagus. Relief!!!

Some might think that jumping to the conclusion of cancer is dramatic and borderline hypochondriac, but for me it is a serious thing. Both of my grandparents on my mother's side died from cancer. Two years ago my older brother died of a brain tumor, and my half sister is currently battling breast cancer. I do have a right to worry! But having this test done has brought me so much relief. And John was relieved too! It was a scare, and I now just have to take preventative measures (taking meds for the rest of my life) I guess! But if that's what it takes, then I'll do it.

But one thing is for sure...I have a Heavenly Father who loves me! I got so much comfort from my husband's priesthood blessing on Thursday night. I know that I am constantly being watched out for. And that Heavenly Father knows our pain and struggles. So even though I am still in some pain from my surgery, (emotionally and physically)...today, I am so grateful for life! How can I not be? I am grateful for my husband who is so supportive and truly loves me. And I am grateful that I have three healthy and beautiful children! I may have struggles like we all do, but I feel like the luckiest and most blessed woman in the world. Life is good!

**And in other news...evidently I made a fool out of myself after coming out of the anesthesia on Friday. I had conversations with lots of different people, and I remember nothing. *sigh* :)

2 weeks

It's been 2 weeks today since I had my surgery! Some moments I feel like I haven't made any improvement (pain wise)...but that's because we tend to forget the pain. So, yes...I have come far! Everything is less painful. I still have a good amount of pain when I sit down. So, I rarely sit without my little handy donut. Last night was my first outing-we ate at a restaurant and I still had to bring my donut to sit on. Ugh! But I am grateful for how far I've come.

I had to go to the doctor once again last Thursday...and I actually drove myself. It was a hard moment because I had just me and my music and the first lyrics I heard was from a Glee song. It said, "So I'll throw up my fists. Throw a punch in the air. And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair..." And just hearing those words just made me turn into a blubbering baby! I have everything in the world to be grateful for! I have an incredible husband with three perfect and beautiful kids! I have so so so much! But there's thing little sting that I know will go away with time. It was an answer to a prayer to find out I needed this surgery, but it still stings! It stung when I was sitting in the doc's office surrounded by pregnant women rubbing their cute little belly's! It stung when Gwen told me she wishes I could have another baby! It stings...and it might for a while. I just need to let myself heal inside and out!

The last few days have been more physically painful than emotional! Until yesterday when Noah was up from his nap and he was reaching his hands up for me to hold him. I felt so bad! All I want in the world right now is to pick him up and hold him. I have this irrational fear that by the time 4 weeks comes along, he won't want to be held by me anymore. 6 weeks without standing and holding my baby! It's killing me! So Kerry ended up getting him out and then him and I snuggled in bed for a while. That was what I needed. He still needs his momma! Whether I can hold him or not, he needs me!

I love my kids and I love my hubby! And I am so darn grateful for the mom's in my life that have come over to help me these last two weeks. Tonight Kerry goes home and I am on my own. I'm a little scared, but it'll be fine! I will be fine! Er...at least I just keep telling myself that! :)

My OB reminded me of how much he actually did to me! He said it's almost like I got hit by a MACK truck!
haha...he told me to give myself a break and stop feeling like I have to do more than I can...or should! So, I'm trying to do better at staying flat and resting! Thanks again to everyone who have helped, brought over treats, etc. I feel so blessed!

The Cath

The last two days have been a whirlwind of emotions and more pain! A different kind of pain! It seems like I am healing (thankfully) but everytime I reach some milestone, another problem arises. It has been very frustrating! So my newest "issue" is with my bladder. John was able to take out my catheter on Monday morning, which was awesome to have it out; however, new problems came into play.

So...everytime I went to the bathroom (#1) it would BURN! My bladder would burn! And it was like I was trying to push a gallon of water out of a teeny-tiny straw all at once. So, then on Monday night I woke up and needed to go...so I tried and failed! It WOULD NOT come out. It burned! Eventually it did, drip by drip! So off to the doctor I went on Tuesday. Again. They had to put in a catheter to empty me, and figure out what the problem was. They thought maybe a UTI, but they ruled that out. Turns out, it is a very swollen Urethra! Go fig! On Monday they gave me these options:
1. Put the catheter back in
2. Have me "self-cath" every time I have to go, so I can empty my bladder each time.
3. Wait and see if it goes away (I picked this option)

Yesterday, I was still hurting...so when I went back in I brought my hubby with me. They taught him how to cath me! Mostly because 1. He doesn't care, doesn't bother him. And 2. I will not "self-cath"...sorry, not gunna happen! They said if in the middle of the night I can't..go...then I'll end up in the ER. So thankfully last night (even though it took a while) it all came out...eventually! And John really had to learn how because if I didn't empty my bladder, I could've been causing myself even more issues. So thank you John for being willing!

It has been a rough recovery, I'll be honest. At times I feel like I take one step forward and five steps back. BUT...I keep trying to look at how far I've come and remember that I am healing. I've had a few other little issues that...believe it or not, I'm not going to talk about. I don't want to gross you out too much! But a swollen urethra won't make me blush! :) So now I'm just continuing to take it one day at a time. I have swelling, bruising, and pain in all sorts of places...but one day I know I'll look back and know that it was all worth it. I needed this surgery, it was a long time coming.

We've had meals brought in and people offering to come do laundry, take kids, clean, etc. I seriously appreciate it so much. Once John's mom leaves (a week from today) I might take some of you up on your offers. But I do appreciate it! :)

And I need to give a huge thank you to my mom. She has been here a week and two days and she has done everything! She has taken over while I've layed helplessly in bed! I hate not being able to do anything, but it's been nice to not have to worry either. And thank you to John's mom who will be coming and staying to help. I am soooo grateful for family!

Emotional Vomit

I have been putting off doing a post about my recovery, because it hasn't been all great! I don't want to sit and focus on the negative...but I also have to remember that life isn't always sunshine and lollypops! Sometimes things happen that just plain old suck, but it's all in our attitude. My attitude hasn't been great, but I guess...not bad either. I feel like the last couple of days has been a big blur of pain, drugs, pain, drugs, pain pain pain!!!

So I had a few good nurses and a few crappy nurses that made me want to cry because of the way they acted. They wanted me to get up and move...so one nurse (I mentioned earlier) walked with me, held my hand, listened to me cry! Then on the other hand, I pushed the call button (I think on Wednesday evening) and a nurse came in and said...
Nurse: What do you need? (very snippy)
Me: I was wondering if I could get some help walking around.
Nurse: Oh...well, you don't need help doing that you know? You can get up any time you want!
Me: Well...not really! I can't really crawl under the bed and un-hook the IV machine on my own. And it is really hard to get out of bed without some assistance. But you're right, I can WALK on my own.
Nurse: Here, I'll get it all hooked up so you can do it on your own.
Me: Thanks...(really I was thinking...I feel sad, and alone...and now you're telling me that I have to go walk around the maternity floor-barefoot, in my hospital gown...hooked to all sorts of machines, with my catheter hanging from me...and I have to do this all alone?? Ok...you know what? I'll just go to the window and back.)

Ugh...So when John came back from work (and helping take care of kids) him and I went on the walk together. I was slow, but it did feel good to walk! My legs were happy, everything else was not! Then as we turned the corner, we both sort of forgot where we were, and saw lots of windows! We peeked in (again, not really thinking) and saw what I really didn't want to see at that moment. Lots of tiny, beautiful, pink and perfect newborns! I quickly turned away and started to cry. Then back in our room, John held me while I sobbed for a while! Then I went back to bed and slept.

It's amazing how in a short 2 days at the hospital, it can feel like I was there more than a week! I have been poked, prodded, given this medication and that medication. Asked by countless nurses if I've passed gas yet (Hello???) And had any and every nurse come check out the color of my urine! I felt little. I felt so blue! I just wanted to run away and hide from the emotional and physical pain I was experiencing. But once again, a shiny reminder of the Atonement came peaking through all the dark clouds! And I found myself asking..."Did Christ really go through all of this pain...for me??" And of course the answer is always yes! He did. If he did it for me, than I can get through this!

I know there are worse things that could happen to me, but this trial is harder than most that I have experienced in my life. I know in time it will get better. I will get to take my catheter out on Monday morning...that will really make me feel more normal. Chloe calls it my "pee-bag!" Gwen can't stop asking me exactly how it is attached to my pee pee...and how it actually got there? "Mommy...who put it there?" She is blown away by the whole thing!

Anyway, kids are away in Salt Lake this weekend...so I have time to heal. While John has time to prep our garden. Right now I am eating Ritz crackers and trying not to throw up! I get nauseous really easy, not sure why! Eating makes my stomach mad apparently. Anyway, I have felt the love and prayers coming from all directions. Thank you everyone. And if you're still reading....thanks for reading all my emotional vomit! It helps for me to write these things out.

And I really need to give a big thanks to my hubby! He has been there when I've cried (which has been a lot)...he was there to assist me in my first shower at the hospital that resulted in a complete and total meltdown. (you try showering with a catheter and IV hooked to you) But he was there. He even made me laugh while trying to put an elephant pad on those crazy mesh undies they give you. He put it on backwards and it made me laugh. His only response was, "This is my first time putting on a maxi pad...okay??" He was there to help me get comfy in bed. He was there to get me more ice. He was there to chew out the nurse (that's another story)...he was there to walk with me. Rub my neck when I had a headache. Etc. etc. etc. I don't know what I'd do without him. Love you John!