Update

I'd like to thank my mom for letting me use her laptop...it makes a hospital stay not so horrible. I am trying to think clearly while on a mixture of Percocet and Morphine. We'll see how this goes.

The surgery went well. (and by the way...if you don't want to hear girly-gross details, stop reading) :) But they didn't have to do an abdominal hysterectomy, which is great! Yesterday is sort of a blur. We waited for a while after being checked in, and finally they started prepping me. And the surgery lasted 2 hours. Waking up was painful, but not horrible. They had me pretty drugged. And the rest of the day was mostly sleeping and...more sleeping.

My night nurse was wonderful. She was so sensitive and caring. She was with me when I started hurting worse than ever. The pain up inside of me, plus cramping...is just the worst! The doctor told me this pain is worse than childbirth, now I believe him. Early this morning the nurse Melinda wanted me to go on a walk. So she took me (very slowly) for a little walk outside my room. I was told, but had forgotten...that they put me in the maternity ward. (let's dig the knife a little deeper eh?) So on my walk I just cried and cried. I told her I hadn't planned this and didn't want this. I wanted a baby, not a surgery! She was so supportive. She held my hand and let me cry. When John left for work this morning, I lost it again. I felt depressed and scared to face the day without him. And I was hurting.

Coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose...used to be easy! Not today! So earlier I was in so much pain I couldn't even sit up. Turns out they put gauze up inside of me to control the bleeding. The gauze was causing so much pain and pressure. They kept telling me the doc would be in soon to remove it...they told me that at 9:00AM. He didn't come remove it until about 1:45PM! Needless to say it has been a rough morning. John arrived just in time to be there when it was removed. It seriously felt like he was pulling my guts out. It hurt so bad. Anyway, now that is it out I can actually sit without being in so much pain. Everything still hurts, but I can at least sit. I also have two external incisions that are way tender, but they will heal fast I'm sure!

So because I have a phone and a computer...I was able to shoot some pictures of my experience here. So here you go...

Every single time they give me more meds they have to scan this band. The red band is my "blood band." That band has everything they need to know about my blood...in case I need a transfusion (which I won't)
Pale face, swollen eyes and crazy hair! Not to mention a gown that is 50 sizes too big! I am a sight! That little floral pillow is my coughing pillow. Yes, you heard right. I have to press that pillow into my stomach while I cough/sneeze/etc. It relieves the pressure!
My compression cuffs! Left, right, left, right...they blow up and release. No blood clots allowed!
The IV that they put my heavenly morphine into. Seriously, thank goodness for modern medicine. I don't think I would've been a good pioneer.
My view. My must-have's. Computer, ice-chips (for my dry mouth), my contraption for breathing treatments...(I have a temperature, and they were worried about me getting pneumonia) So I have to use that and take really deep, long breaths 8-10 times per day. My water, my remote, chapstick, cell phone, the controls to call my nurse...and my Lorna Doons. All the essentials!
Once again...thanks to everyone who has called, sent me texts, visited or just said prayers. If I start feeling down on myself I have to remember that I am loved and I have people praying for me. It brings me so much peace. There is a lot of emotional pain that goes along with all of this, but once again...I know that we have the Atonement for this very reason. He heals us emotionally, physically, mentally and Spiritually. I know I will be just fine!

Surgery tomorrow

Well, this is it! Tomorrow is the day! I have a to-do list a mile long! I have been preparing my kids, house, etc for this day...but there are always last minute things to do. One of which is going to a doctor's appt. to get blood work done...not to mention getting the stuff to give myself a fun little enema tonight. Yippee! So hopefully I can get everything done. My mom is coming tonight, and Gwen couldn't be more excited for my surgery! Why you ask? Because I told her when I have my surgery, she will have more responsibility. She likes that! She wants to be "the mommy." In her prayers last night she said, "And please bless that on Tuesday I will be a big helper for Mommy!" haha! Yesterday we had a lesson on doing the laundry. She ran the washing machine, poored soap in, put clothes in...took dry clothes out, folded and put them away. She did dishes. She cleaned rooms. I only wish she was this gung-ho about cleaning any other time. Sweet girl!

So I have no idea when I will post again...especially since I will be morphined-up for a few days! I'm sure John will post at least on FB to update everyone on how I'm doing. Thanks everyone for your love and support! This is one of those trials in my life that is really hard, but it points me in the right direction and makes me remember how blessed I am for the things that I DO have! I love my family with all my heart!

New Design, New Thoughts

I've decided to make this blog not JUST my fitness blog, but also...my blog! My family blog is something I decided to make private, but on here I won't be posting pictures of my kids/family! It'll just be me and my thoughts! Put me on google-reader if you can, I'm not sure how often I will be able to post. Really, most of my thoughts here will also be posted on my family blog. But this way only my thoughts are out there, not pictures! Make sense?

I am feeling better emotionally. I have accepted what has been handed to me, which is a trial. It is hard, and will be hard for a while. I am having surgery in less than a week and I am nervous...but ready. I have so much support. John gave me a blessing, and I feel better. Spring is starting to come and that makes me feel rejuvinated and energized. And yes, all that energy will be smacked out of me in a few days...but still!

I have my MANY concerns...
*What happens when the mother/mother-in-law's go home?
*How will I do laundry (up and down stairs?)
*How will I sit and do my work (Yidio) without being in pain?
*Will it be a slow/fast recovery?
*How do I get Noah in and out of the car while taking kids to dance/school/store/etc?
*What if Noah runs away from me (like he's been doing lately...) and I can't run after him?

----trust me, there are more concerns...but I have to remember to take it one day at a time. And I had the Relief Society presidency over last night and they assured me I'd be taken care. I love them! Thank you to everyone who has already signed up to bring in meals...you have no idea how much it means to me! And also to those who have offered to help...I will need it, so thank you! I will try to lower my pride for these next few months and let people help me! Phew...

Thanks everyone! I will keep my progress of my recovery on this blog as well as my family blog. :)

Healing

This is one of those times I just have to write out my feelings and then just let it all go! Last night I went to our ward's Relief Society Party and it was...bittersweet! (the party was great...this was just my problem) I am having such a hard time lately! I don't ever want anyone to tip-toe around me when it comes to approaching the subject of "babies." I just want to have this surgery over with so I can get on with my life and not feel so melancholy about it. For those that don't know about my surgery, read the last post...but last night as I sat there at the table, I felt detatched. I listened to one girls tale of her pregnancy and all the great/horrible things about it. Any other time in my life I would have swapped stories with her, laughed, listened...but it was different. I didn't feel like me! I know there are worse things that could happen to me, so I shouldn't complain. I have an incredible husband and three beautiful and healthy children. Some people can't have children at all. I am grateful.

So they started bringing cake around to everyone and I knew that if I ate that cake I would feel worse than I already did, so I passed! And while everyone sat there chatting, I once again felt like I was there...but not really there! It didn't help that I was absolutely exhausted from being up the night before with Noah. (he's sick and teething). Anyway, so...Like a night in shining armor...my Bishop came and sat next to me! He looked at me right in the eye and almost with a tear in HIS eye he sincerely said how sorry he was! He said he understood very much what we're going through (hmmm...have to talk about that later) and he gave me the biggest hug. I lost it! I haven't lost it like that since the day I found out I couldn't have any more kids. So I got up and told my friend Lacey that this is probably a good time to leave (she understood I'm sure) and I bolted out of there. But not quick enough. :) My sweet RS President caught me and walked me out while I cried some more. I love her!! We talked, and then I left to go get in my car. I sat there for a good ten minutes and sobbed. I finally had to calm down because I thought I was going to throw up I was crying so hard!

We live about 5 minutes from the church and it took me about 15-20 minutes to get home. I kept having to pull over and cry some more. So what it came down to is that...1. I just feel sad! But I will get over it in time. And 2. I have a Bishop that truly cares for me...and somehow the Spirit touched me last night and told me (how do I put into words)...it was almost as if Heavenly Father was saying, "If you think the Bishop cares about you, I care even more." And I realized right then and there that I needed to get down on my knees and just tell Him all about it. I haven't been praying much about this specific thing because I know there's no solution to the problem. But after last night I realized what I needed more than anything; I needed comfort, and need to be healed. I feel emotionally broken. And now I find myself asking that question I've often asked before, "What would I do without the Gospel in my life? The healing power of the Atonement? The Atonement isn't just for sins, it's to be healed of pain and sorrow.

It will take time. But I know I will heal!