Healing

This is one of those times I just have to write out my feelings and then just let it all go! Last night I went to our ward's Relief Society Party and it was...bittersweet! (the party was great...this was just my problem) I am having such a hard time lately! I don't ever want anyone to tip-toe around me when it comes to approaching the subject of "babies." I just want to have this surgery over with so I can get on with my life and not feel so melancholy about it. For those that don't know about my surgery, read the last post...but last night as I sat there at the table, I felt detatched. I listened to one girls tale of her pregnancy and all the great/horrible things about it. Any other time in my life I would have swapped stories with her, laughed, listened...but it was different. I didn't feel like me! I know there are worse things that could happen to me, so I shouldn't complain. I have an incredible husband and three beautiful and healthy children. Some people can't have children at all. I am grateful.

So they started bringing cake around to everyone and I knew that if I ate that cake I would feel worse than I already did, so I passed! And while everyone sat there chatting, I once again felt like I was there...but not really there! It didn't help that I was absolutely exhausted from being up the night before with Noah. (he's sick and teething). Anyway, so...Like a night in shining armor...my Bishop came and sat next to me! He looked at me right in the eye and almost with a tear in HIS eye he sincerely said how sorry he was! He said he understood very much what we're going through (hmmm...have to talk about that later) and he gave me the biggest hug. I lost it! I haven't lost it like that since the day I found out I couldn't have any more kids. So I got up and told my friend Lacey that this is probably a good time to leave (she understood I'm sure) and I bolted out of there. But not quick enough. :) My sweet RS President caught me and walked me out while I cried some more. I love her!! We talked, and then I left to go get in my car. I sat there for a good ten minutes and sobbed. I finally had to calm down because I thought I was going to throw up I was crying so hard!

We live about 5 minutes from the church and it took me about 15-20 minutes to get home. I kept having to pull over and cry some more. So what it came down to is that...1. I just feel sad! But I will get over it in time. And 2. I have a Bishop that truly cares for me...and somehow the Spirit touched me last night and told me (how do I put into words)...it was almost as if Heavenly Father was saying, "If you think the Bishop cares about you, I care even more." And I realized right then and there that I needed to get down on my knees and just tell Him all about it. I haven't been praying much about this specific thing because I know there's no solution to the problem. But after last night I realized what I needed more than anything; I needed comfort, and need to be healed. I feel emotionally broken. And now I find myself asking that question I've often asked before, "What would I do without the Gospel in my life? The healing power of the Atonement? The Atonement isn't just for sins, it's to be healed of pain and sorrow.

It will take time. But I know I will heal!